inside my head

**Wrote this last 15 March 2011, and after 8 (going on 9) long months, a part of me still feels the same way. I’ll miss you always Meng. ♥**

Sometimes I’d be okay. Accept the fact that you’re gone. Know in my heart that you are now in a happy place. A place that I could only ever dream about. A place that I could only walk upon once I, too, am sound asleep. 

Other times I’d breakdown and cry. Broken as I was when I first realised of your departure. And I would feel it. That fresh, gaping hole in my heart that you left empty. It would ache. And again I would not understand why. 

This is one of those days, I should say. 

I was merely a friend. And yet here I am, sobbing in pain. 

On the other hand, such a feeling would confirm what I always knew you were: A special Gift from God. Especially wrapped from Him to us. And I would feel ever more grateful that He lent you to the world. Our world. My world. 

I would always, always wish for one more everythings from you. And I am damn sure, I am not alone in wishing this.

You’re probably smiling, half-giggling like the way you always did, saying “chuchu ka chesi!” 

But do forgive me for being too overly dramatic. Pardon my humanity. You wouldn’t approve of this, I know. All I’m trying to say is that I miss you. Every bit of you.

Maybe tomorrow I’d be okay again. And the day after that, and the day after that. But for now, I weep. I let my grieving heart take the best of me. It’s become weak after all, and I shall put it to no further strain than it already is. So I let it weep. 

Such a cruel thing, parting is. Especially when you are the one left earthbound. 

Oh well, the morrow’s coming. And while I would love to end this on a high note and provide inspiration to the unfortunate readers of this occasional breakdown (darn grief), there is none that I could find. Only tears. And I don’t even have a decent tissue to wipe them with.

P.S.

You had to be that awesome? You could have been normal, annoying, you could have blended in with the shadows. Yet you chose to be the way you were. And now… well, now the world’s less awesome without you.   

She’s gone but I’m alive, I’m alive. I’m coming in the graveyard, to sing you to sleep now.

- Graveyard, Tori Amos 

I wish we could all say this in real life. 

I’m sure we were all screwed over by frog looking bitches who think they look so pretty at one point in our lives. And no matter how much you want to shun away the idea of tying her on train tracks and let the MRT run her over, it just becomes so tempting sometimes, especially on days when she smiles so fake you want to rip that stupid face apart. 

In Hollywood, situations like these become worthy of plots where the frog-faced bitch is blackmailed and summoned to self-pity and regret for all the days of her life. (What up Gossip Girl?) Revenge is sweet, and life will be lived happily ever after. 

But not in the real world. 

Here, you force yourself a plastic smile whenever she passes you by and swallow your anger like a huge bitter pill. Here, revenge is uncalled for even when her backstabbing was most uncalled for in the first place. Here, her stupid fugly face gets the last laugh, while you, unlike the well-connected girls of the Upper East Side, horridly enough, laugh along with her for fear of losing your only source of income even when you badly want to choke her with her own stubby fingers just so her wide-opened mouth makes sense.

Why can’t she just drop dead? One would think.

Then again, why not try thinking about cupcakes, rainbows, unicorns, heaven, or those oh-so-pretty red Prada shoes? I’m pretty sure they are much more worthy thoughts than frog-faced lunatics trying to pull you down. 

This too shall pass. And you know what? You have more to offer than gossip, bitterness, and ass-kissing, self-righteous emails. The world ain’t seen nothing yet, and one day, this fugly bitch will grow old and die still looking and acting like the frog-faced crook she is. While you, well, walk the right path, pray, and keep on keepin’ on, and you’ll look all sorts of pretty until your last day on earth. 

So while it may not be the badass kung fu revenge you had badly hoped for, and played in your head again and again, it’s better and more powerful than anything else.

Revenge is.. an unsweetened sugar. Still sweet, but healthy.  

I’ve just finished reading an article about the release of the new iPhone 4S, and how its target market and investors were quite disappointed about not meeting their futuristic expectations.

I guess at one point they thought the new iPhone would give them the chance to teleport, clone them, or something along those lines. 

I, being a proud owner of a super high tech mobile phone set to rule the world - the Nokia C3, don’t actually give a rat’s ass about whether the next best gadget would have the power to give human special powers. Unless maybe if it could cure cancer, or melt body fat in just one sitting - while eating chips. That would be pure awesomeness don’t you think? 

But since the new iPhone 4S isn’t anywhere near to doing such things, I say to hell with it? To me it’s just another fancy phone that dictates your place in society and a gateway to invasion of privacy. A gadget that makes life less interesting. 

Funny how people find such developments in technology thrilling. 

Sure it makes day to day life more convenient. It keeps the world connected. It allows you to log on to facebook any damn time you want, stalk your douchebag of a crush, and all that crap. But to me, it just robs its user of magical moments.

Remember those days when you’d wait for hours on end for that special call and jump to your feet every time you hear the phone ring? Or anxiously check your mail box for that much awaited letter and bug the mailman about it every single day he drops by?

Or days when movies only existed in theaters and VCRs?

Remember how you try to get up so early in the morning just to catch a glimpse of your crush? Or wait for your yearbooks to be released just to get a photograph of him? 

Remember the feeling of finally hearing the voice you’ve been waiting for all day at the other end of that telephone line? Or that mini heart attack you get after receiving that special letter? Or that anxiousness to watch the best movie you’ve ever seen, and that feeling of excitement while popping that huge black tape into the player? Remember how your nerves jolt when you make eye contact with your crush after days of real, live, stalking?

I’m sure kids these days won’t know squat about what the hell I’m talking about. And people my age are bound to forget them after their mid-life crises. And older people, well, just don’t get it. But for the purpose of remembering, let me just say, those were real good old days.

Life sure wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t hard either. It was, in all sense of the word, exciting.

These days, almost everything seems to be handed on a virtual silver platter. You click and go. You need something, you click and go. You forget something, you click and go. You lose something, you click and go. Click. And go. Until your life revolves around this clickable thing in your hands and makes much less sense. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am a fan of technology. I mean, a handheld device that, at your slightest touch, can connect you halfway around the world in mere seconds is nothing short of amazing. Such activity was alien-like the year I was born. How lucky am I to be a witness of its evolution?

I guess, what I’m trying to say, is to take things slow. To live in the moment. The next best thing doesn’t exist. The world is a constant evolution of next-best-things that we tend to forget we’re actually at the center of it all. The best things in life are here. NOW.

Every day that technology evolves is another pound of body fat that we gain. The more it does, the less we do, and the less we work for the things we want in life.

So, as the world screams their disappointments at the latest iPhone 4S, here I sit, trying to get a grip of the moment.  The next best thing’s about to arrive, and the next, and the next, and the next. Until they rule over the world and take control of our lives.

The epic movie, Kung Fu Panda, once depicted: The past is history, the future a mystery. But today’s a gift - that’s why it’s called present.

Marvel a little, why don’t you? Breathe.. and live.