inside my head

Hello 2013

Tue, 01 Jan 2013 09:35:00 -0500

This new year, instead of making false promises that I am sure I will break before the end of this month, I’m gonna list down the top things that’s made me super thankful to have lived one more year.

2012 was the year of major challenges. Challenges that has shook the foundations of my faith right to its very core, trials that sucked the life force out of me, and tests that has tempted me to cheat life and whatever plans that lay ahead. But as Winston Churchill said, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” So forward I went.

And each painstaking step has led me to these beautiful and life-changing moments:

1. April 7 - My Water Baptism

Not a lot of people may understand why I changed my religion, but for the record, let me just say, it was one of the best decisions I ever made in my life. And it has brought on many changes in my world that I will forever be thankful for. :)

2. July 28 - Surprise Family Reunion

It was the best surprise I ever cooked up. I’m sure it was worthy of a MMK moment, and to this day, it brings a smile on my face knowing that after 3 gut-wrenching years, my family was under one roof again.

3. October 23 - My Commercial

I shot this 3 months ago, I wonder if the commercial will ever be shown because I haven’t heard from them. But really, this experience was the closest thing I got to feeling like a celebrity. From the make-up artist fixing my hair and my make-up in between takes, to people watching the whole shoot happen and wondering who the hell I was, this was definitely the shiznit. :P

4. October 22 - I Spoke in Tongues

While I don’t have a photo to commemorate this day, this experience will forever be in my heart. To be quite honest, I felt weird when I heard people spoke in tongues. I wasn’t used to it, and not only could I not understand a word they said, but I couldn’t understand how they felt. It was for me, as exactly as it sounded to those who’s heard it the first time, utter gibberish. Until I was able to do it on my own. Well, not exactly on my own, as I was sure the Holy Spirit just took over my body at that exact moment, but to hear myself speak a language meant to converse with the Lord, is just out of this world, and spiritual in all sense of the word, to say the least.

5. October 27 to November 4 - My Trip Home

It was the longest vacation I took since I went away to work here in Singapore, and boy did I miss my home land. I didn’t have much pocket money with me, but the bonding moments I had with my friends and family were definitely one of the best bonding moments I had in a long time. It’s times like these that I reflect upon my life and realize, my world is not as bad as it seems. I’m just a drama queen. :P

**************

While the world will continue to throw its punches right at me, and the enemy will, yet again, try its damn hardest to bring me down, I reflect upon these moments and thank the Lord. Because while it was never easy to go through this year, it was definitely worth it.

Celebrating the New Year for me was more than welcoming another era, but letting me realize that all the exit strategies, the struggle of living from paycheck to paycheck, all the fear, heartache, and tears has led me to who I am today - a stronger person with concrete plans to look forward to.

So while I don’t have resolutions, I do have a more positive outlook in life. And after all that I’ve been through, who in the right mind would try and bring me down again?

“Fall seven times, stand up eight.”

Bring it on, 2013. Bring it on. :)

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible, and how it can actually ache..."

Sun, 23 Dec 2012 11:08:33 -0500

“I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible, and how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or how many gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends, you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong, or how you could’ve misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and just show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you’ll go somewhere new, and you’ll meet people that will make you feel worthwhile again, and little pieces of your soul will finally come back, and all that fuzzy stuff - those years of life that you wasted - that will eventually begin to fade.”

- The Holiday

"My heart is in my hands, my head is in the clouds. My feet have left the ground, my life is turning..."

Mon, 19 Nov 2012 11:10:55 -0500

“

My heart is in my hands, my head is in the clouds. My feet have left the ground, my life is turning around and round.

Every voice inside my head is telling me to run like mad. Bows and arrows, stars and sunsets, hey hey hey yeah. Hey hey hey yeah.

Every heartbeat, every kiss just makes me wonder what all this is. Suits of armor, stars and sunsets, hey hey hey yeah.

”

- Run Like Mad, Jann Arden

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. - Matthews 6:34 Thank...

Fri, 19 Oct 2012 12:32:13 -0400

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. - Matthews 6:34

Thank you, God. Amen!

One day. Someday soon.

Wed, 17 Oct 2012 04:45:50 -0400

One day. Someday soon.

work on your pes!

Tue, 09 Oct 2012 09:35:15 -0400

I worked my ass off. A little pat on the back would help me boost my morale. A good manager would know that. But it seems pointing out faults is the only way with you. That being the case, you are a fugly, self-absorbed, demeaning asshole! Work on that why dontcha??

UGH.

Fri, 28 Sep 2012 23:22:14 -0400

If I could sum up all my frustrations, heartaches, boredom, disappointments, anxiety, and impatience in one word, it would be ‘ugh.’ A very deep, resounding ‘ugh.’ Though whether it is indeed a word, a sound, or mere expression is arguable. In this case, it is a word for me.

Ugh. Like a frustrated tennis player hitting the ball with all the prowess her backhand skill could deliver, and yet still managing to hit the net and failing to get the ball across. UGH.

Is this all there is to it?

Photo

Tue, 18 Sep 2012 03:23:45 -0400

Live. Laugh. Learn. Love. Die. And Live Again.

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 04:41:16 -0400

Last night, I experienced a familiar pain. The kind that slowly creeps in to your heart, then seeps in to your soul, until it sucks the life force out of your spirit. The incapacitating kind. Only this time, I’m stronger. Much stronger than I ever imagined. And the pain did little to shatter my dreams.

Every struggle, every tear, every sacrifice, every gut-wrenching pain I felt every single day for my whole entire life were indications that I’m alive. And what a wonderful privilege that is: to live. For in living, while we do suffer, struggle, fear, and hurt, we also get to love, laugh, dream, wonder, wander, sing, dance, hug, kiss, praise, breathe, and rejoice.

I’ve realized I’m in a win-win situation. For if I die tonight, I’d be more than happy to run to the arms of my Lord and Saviour, and if I don’t, I get to live one more day. And I get to laugh, and love, and praise, and cry, and dream, and hurt, and sing, and dance, and rejoice all over again.

I get to live. And that’s the most wonderful gift.

It’d be a shame to put this life to waste and not use it to feel every bit of emotion that this world can show me. For if I don’t feel any of them, or if I feel just some of them, I won’t exactly be living. I’ll merely exist. A sentient creature whose existence contributes to the overpopulation of human beings. And I refuse to be insignificant. There must be more to life than just working hard and getting paid, or for some, getting by.

So if the pain that I feel means that I’m alive, then bring more of it. For not only does life give me reason to live fully, but it gives me reason to make a difference.

And what a difference I shall make.

It’s time I appreciated the gift that my God has bestowed upon me, and show my appreciation by simply living. Living well and living full.

Last night I experienced a familiar pain. But the pain did little to shatter my dreams.

Mr. Darcy: How are you this evening, my dear? Elizabeth Bennet:...

Wed, 14 Mar 2012 06:42:00 -0400

Mr. Darcy: How are you this evening, my dear?
Elizabeth Bennet: Very well. Only, I wish you would not call me “my dear.”
Mr. Darcy: Why?
Elizabeth Bennet: Because it’s what my father calls my mother whenever he’s cross about something.
Mr. Darcy: Well, what endearments am I allowed?
Elizabeth Bennet: Well, let me think…”Lizzie” for everyday, “my pearl” for Sundays, and “Goddess Divine,” but only on special occasions.
Mr. Darcy: And what am I to call you when I’m cross? “Mrs. Darcy?”
Elizabeth Bennet: No, you may only call me “Mrs. Darcy” when you are completely, perfectly and incandescently happy.
Mr. Darcy: And how are you this evening… Mrs. Darcy? Mrs. Darcy… Mrs. Darcy… Mrs. Darcy!
[kisses her]

Darn Mr. Darcy. Now I’ll expect every man in this world to be like him and I’ll be extremely disappointed because not one of them will ever come close.

You know what?

Fri, 09 Mar 2012 23:38:50 -0500

I’m kinda laughing inside now. haha!

And it’s not the kinda laugh one fakes to let other people know they’re over some dude. It’s real, genuine laugh. AT YOU.

I can’t believe I was so hung up on you before. WHAT WAS I THINKING? hahaha!

I guess I’m funny that way. I like unlikeable guys for fun. And what’s funnier, I can’t get over them for a really long time. Like a joke that I couldn’t figure out the punchline. But I’ve figured it out now, and I tell you, I’m bawlin’ with fits of laughter!

I liked you! YOU! I couldn’t stop thinking about you everyday before, wishing I’d bump into you one day just so I could see you again. YOU!

Perverted, loser you. HAHA!

Joke’s on me, yes. But really, you’re the punchline in this brouhaha, so that’s no better.

This is so crazy. hahaha! I couldn’t get over you before, but now, damn you’re just funny as hell. I think of you and I laugh. Like I remember a nostalgic joke. LOL!

I pity the poor loser who ends up being your wife. I may be laughing now, but she will be crying ‘til death do you part.

Please don’t pro-create.

I won’t be able to take another joke of a man in this world.

hahahahaha! :))

oh gloria! :))

Fri, 24 Feb 2012 03:25:47 -0500

oh gloria! :))

"So off you go, Whitney. Off you go. Escorted by an army of angels to your heavenly Father. And when..."

Sun, 19 Feb 2012 23:03:39 -0500

“So off you go, Whitney. Off you go. Escorted by an army of angels to your heavenly Father. And when you sing before Him, don’t you worry. You’ll be good enough.”

- Kevin Costner on his Funeral Address to Whitney Houston

Life is a Tragic Comedy (or at least mine is)

Sat, 18 Feb 2012 00:57:00 -0500

In a world where crazy shit happens every other day, one would think someone neck deep in shit would be spared of more crazy shits happening in their lives.

But that was an assumption.

Turns out, this is not rock bottom. The bottom isn’t even rock at all. It’s a hollow hole that sucks its unfortunate victims even more lower to the ground until everything in life becomes senseless.

I guess the sinking won’t ever stop until the victims reach the fires of hell.

And they thought they were good people.

Cue ‘I told you so’ remarks from ruthless, insensitive, know-it-alls leading the most perfect of lives.

******************

Our life sucks, I know. That much is obvious. Please refrain from rubbing that in my face or I would spontaneously combust in front of you and let you catch fire for all I care.

******************

Life is a tragic comedy, isn’t it? It sucks so damn bad, it’s as if it was written by a frustrated stand-up comedian who poured out all of his failed jokes into one satiric script and decorated it with puns all over. Losing almost everything is the punchline, fear is the weird antagonist, constantly poking the protagonist in an attempt to produce a musical slapstick for all the world to laugh at. And the finale? A long fall and crash to the ground with comic ‘Bang’ and ‘Thump’ thought bubbles as fear tap dances around its victim in celebration of its victory. The velvet curtains draw to a close, the film is given a standing ovation by its suit-wearing feather-clad audience, and critical acclaim is written in the papers.

Life is an independent tragic comedy film worthy of an Oscar, appreciated only by the upper class society who think drowning in a puddle of shit and begging for mercy is nothing short of laughable.

But behind every tragic comedy are broken hearts, lost souls, battered spirits, and hopeless semantics. Charlie Chaplin, one of the most notable comics of all time, portrayed tragic comedy best when he was quoted in saying: I always like walking in the rain, so no one can see me crying.

******************

They say when life gives you lemons, make lemonades. I guess the same could be done here. I’ve been given shit - lots of it - so, shit shake it is. Extra creamy. And on good days, maybe I’ll whip up some cream sprinkled with chocolate dirt.

Watch out for my finale. I’m sure it will be worthy of a standing ovation. I won’t end it without a bang - in technicolor bubble thoughts - and the assurance that it will be talked about lightyears from now.

The velvet curtains just drew open. This is just the opening billboard.

Enjoy the show.

"If you ask me how I’m doing I would say I’m doing just fine I would lie and say that..."

Fri, 17 Feb 2012 12:47:09 -0500

“If you ask me how I’m doing
I would say I’m doing just fine
I would lie and say that you’re not on my mind
But I go out, and I sit down at a table set for two
And finally I’m forced to face the truth
No matter what I say I’m..
Not over you.”

- Not Over You - Gavin DeGraw

mierzdesigns: Harry Potter Monopoly: Shown here is a...

Fri, 17 Feb 2012 05:22:41 -0500

Front opens up

Inside Board. Houses as Railroads

Board in my bedroom with cards & peices

Title and credit line to me. August 2011

Mystery at Hogwarts game pieces

"I solemnly swear I am up to no good."

500, 100, & 50 House Points

Notice the Crouch Jr. & Moody prints

Quibbler & Daily Prophet—Property cards

Utility Cards

mierzdesigns:

Harry Potter Monopoly: Shown here is a representation of the Parker Bro’s board-game Monopoly in a theme of Harry Potter. This board-game was created for the non-profit use as a fan made token of appreciation and will remain as such. The images used were taken from various free websites including Harry Potter Wiki, and non-protected Flickr Images. Original graphics such as Quibbler and Daily Prophet are credit to Woop Studios, who were the graphic designers of the films series. Hope you all enjoy!

nationalgeographicdaily: Castle Near Kilgarvan, IrelandPhoto:...

Tue, 14 Feb 2012 23:33:02 -0500

nationalgeographicdaily:

Castle Near Kilgarvan, Ireland
Photo: Sam Abell

Ireland, my dream land.

Hey Dreamgirl

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 11:15:00 -0500

You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. Words of wisdom by the most child-like person of all time, Dr. Seuss. If he is, indeed, a person. He’s probably an entity. Whatever.

But let’s take love out of the context of this saying, and let life take its place, shall we? Would the same ring true?

Can life be better in reality than in dreams?

Not if you’re having a nightmare, it’s not. But what of dreams that we make up in our head? A place with a pocket-full of sunshine, cotton candy clouds, rainbows, and unicorns. Not to mention, good-looking elves, bad ass sorcerers, and, fine.. sparkling vampires. Certainly such a place is better than the one we are living in now, right?

Let’s compare.

In reality, you have to get up an hour before your call time, take a shower, commute all the way to work, and still end up 5 minutes late. In dreamland, you have to get up 2 minutes before your call time, wave your wand once to make yourself up, and twice to apparate to your destination. Now which one’s better?

Dreamland - 1; Reality - 0

In reality, you have the MRT at your convenience where the train service disrupts at every other station, and you get to stand for longer periods of time inside a packed car with tons of people smelling like curry. In dreamland, well, I don’t think anything can battle with that.

Dreamland - 2; Reality - 0

Anyway, I could go on forever with this and dreamland will always win. But where the hell is this place and why am I not living in it?

Also, why do I seem to not be bothered about the fact that it doesn’t exist? I should be panicking now. Me. The girl who’s lived in a parallel universe at the ripe age of 11, where electric fans were friends and the mirror was a window to Neverland. Me, who has taken interest in magick way before kids my age would associate the term to a certain Mr. Potter. Me, the girl in love with fiction, so much so, I’ve actually lived in one.

I should be in hysterics, as kids are when they realize Santa Clause isn’t real. But - wait - no, nothing. Crickets.

What is wrong with me? What happened? Why am I normal?

I was a dreamer. I was a daydream believer. And to me, the world was so much more awesome when you let your insanity spark a little bit.

I think I’ve become boring now.

Where are my collections of magick books, dragonology, my parallel universe? Where is my can of insanity spark?

And with these questions, my worst fear is realized: I’ve grown up. I’m 24 going on 54. I’ve become too much of an adult the past year and a half that I haven’t had any time to think about my dreamland. I’ve been away from that place so long, I’m afraid I lost it. I’ve buried it underneath rent, bill payments, meeting schedules, and deadlines. I’ve lost it among my 24-year-old conundrums and, what muggles call, “everyday life.”

I forgot how to dream, and damn it, I lost my ability to imagine.

A wise man by the name of Robin Williams once said: You’re only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.

I screwed up.

From here on end, I will look at my life in a way honeybees see the world: in black and white. During the day, I see my target, complete my task and be done with it. I’ll repeat as necessary, until the end of days finally arrives. How inspiring.

But come to think of it, if one would measure the honeybee’s body mass to its wing span, technically speaking, it shouldn’t be able to fly. Its wings are too tiny to make its fat body airborne. And yet it flies. Defying all laws of physics and biology, the honeybee flies. Now that’s insane.

Even those who see in black and white can actually view the world in color. In multi-colors. Techni-colors. In H-fuckin’-D if they wish to. They just have to use their imagination.

But how to use it when I’ve lost it? Or have I?

There is a possibility that I may only have misplaced it. It’s there, I just forgot where I put it. So, I shall de-clutter my brain from all these corporate jargons, summon my 11-year-old self into my 24-year-old body, put on my 3D glasses, and imagine.

Tonight, I shall sleep to dream.

Tomorrow, I head to work, in my business suit, riding with Artax who has risen from the swamp of sadness (google it, kids), and with a little spark of madness.

It’s been too long, darn it. Welcome back, dreamgirl.

thedailywhat: Movie Trailer of the Day: First official trailer...

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 01:36:07 -0500

thedailywhat:

Movie Trailer of the Day: First official trailer for Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist screenwriter Lorene Scafaria’s apocalyptic romcom Seeking a Friend for the End of the World.

Steve Carell plays a man whose wife leaves him days before Earth is due to be destroyed by an asteroid. Teaming up with a neighbor (Keira Knightley), he heads out in search of his high school sweetheart.

The film also stars T.J. Miller, Melanie Lynskey, Amy Schumer, Adam Brody, Gillian Jacobs, Rob Corddry, Rob Huebel, Connie Britton, and Patton Oswalt.

A release date has been set for June 22nd.

[movieclip.]

Bad Vibes

Sun, 05 Feb 2012 10:46:29 -0500

Wow.

And I thought I knew the word ‘tough.’

Everyday is a struggle, but everyday is a blessing too.

Such is life.

It all ends anyway.

This is it.

Here we go again.

Hang on tight.